I love Go Deeper Press. They're putting out some really hot, unique, sometimes funny, sometimes heart-wrenching erotica, AND they accepted one of my stories for an upcoming anthology, Shameless Behavior: Brazen Stories of Overcoming Shame.
My story, Mesmerized, is about a woman who doesn't even know she's suffering from shame. She's too busy feeling self-righteous and shaming and trying control other people. Here's an excerpt:
"Bobbi had a lot to do before the marriage enrichment retreat that weekend. She had volunteered to bring food for Saturday’s lunch, so she made a list and drove to the supermarket.
In the meat section, a girl bent over the freezers. She couldn’t have been more than 19 or 20 years old. Her straightened, blonde hair swung down and obscured her face, and her short skirt rode up in the back, all the way to the tops of her tanned, muscular thighs. Her platform sandals made the skirt look even shorter.
“Excuse me,” Bobbi said.
The girl stood up. Her white shirt was transparent, revealing a lacy, magenta bra underneath.
“You don’t have to dress like this,” Bobbi said. “You think the boys like it, but it makes you look like trash.”
The girl turned red. She opened her mouth, but nothing came out.
Bobbi continued, “When you go to the grocery store, you should wear a bra with some padding in it. It’s cold in here. Remember, modest is hottest.”
“Shut the fuck up, bitch!” The girl turned and clomped away.
Bobbi didn’t allow herself to be upset by the girl’s vulgarity. She must not have a mother who cares enough to teach her how to dress, she thought. Young people want discipline. They push the limits, but they’re only trying to get attention. Someday, she hoped the girl would come to her senses and be grateful that Bobbi had cared enough to counsel her."
Yep, the cycle of shame. If you can pass it along to someone else, you don't have to feel it.
Can someone like that ever recover? What would it take for Bobbi to accept other people's sexuality, and accept her own desires and fantasies as well? That's what Mesmerized is about.